Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
