I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
