The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
