the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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