she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize