booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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