So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
