I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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