you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
