Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
