'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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