All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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