The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
