I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
