One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
