i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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