I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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