Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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