My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
