Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
