So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
