It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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