I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
