I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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