he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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