If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
what is it with giant penises always finding me
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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