Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
