I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
