So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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