Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
