I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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