Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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