Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
