At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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