you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
