I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
