i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
