i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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