atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize