Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
