I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
