508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
