Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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