I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
