I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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