You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
