I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
