You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize