I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
