Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
