headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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