When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We named our party play list daddy issues
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i've created a new STD.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
