I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
