ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I still have a little drunk in my system
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
