I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize