you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
