i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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