he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
