I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
