We won't sleep together?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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