i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
